So either I was a loser at 13, or growth hormones have gotten better

Every family is supposed to have ‘that’ uncle. The one who seems more like a character in a sitcom than a real person, and while their reputation proceeds them you have never actually met them. In my case, this is my rich Uncle Berry* from Georgia* who recently came to stay with my grandparents for a couple weeks with his wife and her daughter.

"I take my juice with a shot of Jack"

I was told the daughter was 13, and so I expected a little girl with bobble twist ties in her hair and a Hannah Montana backpack. This is not what I got. Instead I got a girl that was not only taller than me, but looked closer to 16 than 13, and absently commented while watching Teen Wolf that Jack Daniel’s Whiskey tastes disgusting.

The f@ck?

I didn’t even know Jack Daniel’s existed until I was 18. While this girl’s friends consist of many high school-aged-bellybutton-ring-and-tongue-pierced individuals, mine consisted of a small group of minorities who banded together in the pursuit of being weird, academically sound, and on the road to anime addiction.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to further underestimate the previous generation. As much as I hate having my experiences and intelligence discounted by my age somehow I had done the same thing. This girl who I assumed I would ultimately be tasked with babysitting turned out to be quite independent and more pleasant than more than a few of my own peers.

- Don't fool yourself, this show was terrible. Also his face is an upside down d#ck

That being said… her surviving and embarrassing love of both Spongebob Squarepants and Hot Topic was a saving grace. Without these traits I would have worried about her childhood, but thankfully she has still held onto the tween condition of loving things that are kind of terrible.

*Names and places have been changed because the internet is full of creepers.

A Day in the Life: First Year Introductions

"I have character traits! I'm clumsy! That's a trait, right?"

I routinely embarrass myself in public. I’m not adorably clumsy or anything nice like that, I’m just a straight-up idiot. Further, I am one of those people who can simply think of something embarrassing and re-live the same degree of embarrassment. It took me nearly two years to stop cringing when I think of the time my idiot brain decided it was a good idea to tell our crush we liked him… it wasn’t.

"What's up we're 2NE1!!" - God I love them

So come the first day of University I found myself in a dress sitting awkwardly on the grass behind our residence building in a circle with the rest of the people from our dorm floor. We then proceeded to endure the routine icebreakers that accompany large groups of gathering strangers.

Most people said that they had a certain sport they liked, spoke multiple languages, or backpacked around Europe with their bros during the summer. When it came to be my turn I was determined to make a fresh impression. This, I thought, was my chance to start fresh and evolve from an asocial nerd to a flirty party girl.

This trash is what came out of my mouth —> “I like to listen to Korean pop!”

"Jim...? What's going Jim? OMG JIM! PUT THAT AWAY!"

Are you face-palming right now? I know I am. Way to sit your black a$$ down with a bunch of rich white kids and tell them you listen to asian pop.

But someone up there must love me, because my open nerdy expression helped me make other nerdy friends, AND friends who could both party and be nerdy, possibly simultaneously. So the lesson here? Guess all that crap they teach you in school about being yourself actually has some merit. Unless of course you’re into getting freaky with animals… you should keep that to yourself.

It’s so much easier to embarrass myself now that the internet is around

"Is that your diary?" "NO! It's a journal where I put all my intimate secrets, fears, and triumphs."

When I was in middle school I used to have a diary that I kept in my desk at school, since apparently 8 year old me is a dumba$$. At the time I was both astonished and horrified that the popular girls had taken my diary and read aloud all the appraisals I had made of the physical appearance of a boy in my class. This meaning I wrote “Oh my God, Justin is sooooooooo hotttttttt.” When I was discovered, being the b@tch I am, I instantly outed my friend as having the same appraisals of Justin’s appearance, and we both had to go through the day being embarrassed.

Was my head always that big? OMG! Is it big now?!

It used to be that this was the only way I could embarrass myself—by overestimating humanity, and having it shit in my shoes to spite me. That is until I Googled my name and found a picture of me in my school uniform striking a pose and lamenting about my love of Stephenie Meyer. For those of you without tits and a vagina, this is the author that spawned “Twilight”. f@ck.

Literally minutes before I posted this I went to edit my You Tube page and found that not only had I listed “Heroes” as one of my favourite movies (it was a TV show btw), but that in an attempt to project high self-esteem despite my low self-esteem, my profile was littered with comments where I complimented my own physical appearance.

I’ve never heard my mom say that she’s disappointed with me, and she won’t ever have to. Thanks to the internet’s preserving capabilities, I will have more than enough chances to be disappointed in myself. In a couple years I’ll probably look back on this blog and be disappointed by the amount of swearing on it. But for now… I’m say whatever I firetrucking feel like.

Does a feminist cry everytime a woman buys an epilator?

I think I saw this in Saw IV

Let me explain what an epilator is. An epilator is a device that looks rather like an electric razor that uses some magical force to pluck dozens of hairs out of your body at once. When my friend first mentioned this device to me I have to say I was more than a little interested. There was some mention of expense and pain, but I paid little attention to these things.

In a review it said you probably shouldn’t use this on your private areas. Anyone who looked at this and thought it would be okay for their private areas deserves what’s coming to them.

I would like to paint a picture of a girl with coarse leg hair, large pores, and overall poor skill in conducting at-home waxing. This girl is me. My leg hair grows back the next day, my leg almost never feels smooth, and the pores on my cankles can be seen from miles away. So I’m sure you can understand why the idea of having my hairs cleanly ripped from my leg, and then having said hair grow back lighter and thinner would appeal to me.

"With my awesome muscles I will distract you from my leg hair"

The many videos on You Tube I watched of people using these devices and their obvious pain did not deter me. The $150-500 price, however, did deter me.

The conclusion to all of this? I bought that Venus Breeze with the shave gel bars and resigned myself to simply shaving. Maybe if I get really ripped calf muscles people won’t pay attention to the hair on them?

PS

In response to: >>this post<<

PS: I didn’t have to clean up any of my vomit. I woke up in the morning and the vomit from the hallway was gone, even though the smell still lingered—as my roommate so graciously informed me. The vomit on the toilet was cleaned up by another guy on our floor so we all wouldn’t have to pay for the cleaning bill. It was really considerate, and I wanted to thank him, but he was one of the “popular” people on our floor, and I was one of the “people you forget live on our floor”, and felt too insignificant to approach him.

A Day in the Life: The first time I got drunk

Let me start by saying, I am incredibly boring. Less now than I was in high school. But overall, I’m not too exciting. When I got to university I was determined to change this. Suffice to say despite my poor first impression there were people who actually still ended up liking me. This simply tells me that my friends either have poor judgement, or are insane.

But that’s all for another time, this is about the first time I got drunk. Or at least, the earliest memory of I have of being drunk.

How do you say "this was a bad idea?" in japanese?

We did this international themed floor crawl where each room does an alcohol of a different country and shares it with everyone on the floor. My friend and I did Japan because we’re cool like that. My shit-eating fat bitch of a roommate was supposed to help, but she’s a stupid slutty whore, so she didn’t. Yeah, if you couldn’t tell, we don’t get along.

Everyone got shit faced. I was rolling around on my friend’s bed with my legs in the air, and spent a good portion of time sitting in the hallway remarking on how everything was spinning. All the while, I had a ripped t-shirt with the Japanese flag on it wrapped around my head. Then I went to bed. Lucky me, my bed happened to be a loft bed. I climbed up without accident, then 20 minutes later threw up in the hallway in front of my room, and then all over the toilet in the washroom across from my room.

If your Persian floormmate offers you some 'rocket fuel', take it from me, just say no

In the morning I was so proud of myself for not throwing up in our room. I boasted happily to my roommate who complained about the smell. But I never complained about the amount of dick she sucks, and how much space her fat ass takes up, so honestly it was uncalled for. Suffice to say, I hated her more.

What did I learn? Bailey’s is horrible, Whiskey tastes even worse, putting food colouring in poorly mixed coke and rum is pretty terrible, my friend and I are obviously the only people that know how to mix drinks, and when your entire floor is drunk off their asses you take group pictures you never would have otherwise.

PS

In response to: >>this post<<

PS: Cody and I have finally formed an iPod connection. In some ways I am ashamed, and in other ways I am so happy I can listen to that catchy song all day in the subway. DidyouseewhatIjustdidthere?

It’s finally happened…

…that Cody Simpson song has become catchy. This is why I should never watch the Disney channel. I knew things were going to be bad when I saw the video come on and started to get slightly excited. Then before I knew it I was singing the song in my head.

"What y'all know about catching flies?"

I wish I could say this is the first time something like this has happened to me. But sadly I remember a certain song by a certain Disney star whose mouth seems permanently open with a weird accent that I would say is country, but I was sure she spent most of her life in LA. Yes. Miley Cyrus. I was innocently listening to the radio and overtime I came to anticipate the song being played on the radio. Then the worst possible thing happened… I put the song on my iPod. It was done like Donkey Kong.

While Cody and I don’t have the same level of iPod intimacy that I share with Miley, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time, for the will in this one is weak. so weak.